Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
