She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
