woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Randomize
