My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
