She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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