If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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