just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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