Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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