I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
