why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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