Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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