Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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