I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize