You're so nebulous sometimes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
