he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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