Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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