How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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