I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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