I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
