My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
