You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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