I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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