Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
