The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
