Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
