When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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