hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
