Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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