Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
