I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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