Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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