how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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