My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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