your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
