One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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