we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
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Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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