Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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