Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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