I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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