I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
