Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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