Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Randomize
