Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
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Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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