Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
