You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
