My sheets look like a crime scene.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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