Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
this is an emotional support booty call
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
