goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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