dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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