The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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