he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
