I just threw up on my dentist
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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