yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
