Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
