even my farts smell like vagina
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
