i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
