You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
