she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
