I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
