apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
