I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
